the way you chew your gum

really it is only you

     that chews in such a manner

maybe it was learned

     maybe you thought you were cool

but basically

     your wrong

its not the gum and its not you

     its me

i have never

     found someone

who smacks their gum

     quite like you

and its overcoming

     this ticof yours

you see i do it too

     now but not before

i am becoming you

     but i fight it

acting caustic

     i hope someone

hates how i smack my gum

     and tries to leave me

i walk through the night

the endless black blinding me

to be away from you gets me through

i dont know how

but it happened

the chanpagne bubbly of it all went away

like a bad song it has to go

the everlasting laughter was gone

instead is ongoing ridicule

a sea of nothing envelops me

and to be gone forever is better

than being with you

new one:

i go into a deep sleep

i wake up to a simple room like that of an odd hotel

i find a notebook and pen

i write out my life

the fury of the pen takes over

the words cut my body with their tenacity

so much i am bleeding but noone sees

i am the girl noone ever notices

maybe they didnt even notice i was gone

"where did that girl go?' they say

"the one with the notebook" others reply

little did i know

i was the balance that held everyone togther

with a false smile i was the everlasting rope

that was just as secure as my own thoughts

i was writing more and more and finally words started to show

on my skin the cuts were too deep

 they formed on my lips

and i sng with all my heart

the words too perfect

and the song was golden

it came from my throat with a sweet taste

those an reality heard and knew

i was in a better place 

Epilogue

the following events have been written by someone who was a rare find, an observer, the one person who didn' t get caught up in her own story enough not to know that she did.

she has sorted her own story and the peoples in it so that you, the reader, would get the most out of it.this story is not meant fo people who dont like to hear about drama, and want to read peacefully.. it is an extremely interesting novel, and will hook you in the first few pages, unless you like poetry, then go read kahlil gibran or someting... but this story is about a girl, her family and how she gets into trouble and back out again, with the help of friends and family..

part one: california

as i wake up to the emptiness they call summer and look out that bay window across from my massive bed, i see the heat waves. 

"Daly? get your ass down here!! you have school in like half an hour!!" my mom screamed. she always exaggerated things but as i rolled over to look at my clock i realized she was under stating things a bit i had 15 min. to get ready! well i wet to my closet and reached for my fallback outfit which was always washed and right in the door of my closet it consisted of the most awesome blue-white stripey boy-short undies, faded blue-jeans with rips in knees, a white beater, and a tie that was really my dads but he died when i was 5, it had a green and blue mermaid on it (not exactly masculine huh?). I straightened my platinum blonde mid-arm length hair and pull it into a high pony tail grabbed a few wisps, trimmed them with a scissors, straightened them to the sides to follow the latest trend and grabbed an arm cuff, my messenger bag, and my ipod and headed downstairs. wihtout smacking my head on the low bar which i usually do because i'm 5' 10". 

"Why didnt anyone wake me up??" i yelled as i applied make-up in the downstairs bathroom. Concealer, foundation, army-green eye shadow, shimmer powder on my collar bone and over the green, eyeliner, mascara, and clear lip gloss that tasted like mint.... yummy

venomously, "Why the fuck would i care?" my mom replie, i could tell she worked late at the bar last nite, and took advantage of her free drinks perk.

I dont know! why do i even bother with my demented family? im definitely way more fashion forward than the rest of them, i wasn't goth but i definitely had an edge and i look really good in everything axcept gauchos, but who does?

I grabbed my little brother, Andrew, and asked him what time he got up, he said only a minute ago and i laughed because usually he was an early riser and was gone out of the house before i was awake. He walks to school and that is something, because it is 7 mile to the school and he walks everyday.... that's why he's a stick-thin freak. he is really awesome, even though he's a year younger than me.

i was trying to find my green special made hi-tops that had a four-leaf clover on the sole, and in place of the converse star. My jacket i swear was forming a vendetta against me and in my mind was racing a high tempo song that was void of words because i couldn't remember tham. 

Ii ended up taking the metro bus from our monotonous suburbia home downtown to my school which is pretty big, and had rode the stupid, smelly bus with Trina and she was dressed in this dark blue halter top that looked great with her thick, long weave and a white track jacket under a jacket just like mine, she was also wearing a white pleated skirt that was way too short and a pair of skater tenny's.

Her little sister was there too, she was a little bit on the tall side,  and had black hair that shone blue in the light ,she was a very sinewy person with the body that of a gymnast, but you would never guess that she's the high school football teams' star running back and had way too much fun taking out the boys.....

I was so happy that i was going to be able to see my boyfriend, Zach, he as super tall and had sandy blonde hair with bleached out highlights and it was too long, according  to my mother. he had a square jaw, broad shoulders, played hockey, baseball, and sometimes basketball,was in choir with me and in ensembles.

by the time we got there everyone had there schedules. they were all pointing at me and i knew why, i was zach's girlfriend, he was the most popular senior in school and he was dating the little know-nothing junior? in the beginning it was just pointing and staring, and such but some girls actually called me names, i know i know, whatever right? but i hate girls like that who call other girls sluts for lack of a better thing to do.. sluts..

 i was so happy thet i had gotten to see zach that i floated through all my classes with out a hitch. i went over to Trina's to stay the night

I had volleyball, piano, and ballet before i got there though

"can we go to bed early??" Trina asked.

"thats great" and i just slept on the couch in my ballet tights, noone had bothered us not even her sister, and brothers. trina was blessed with 3 younger brothers and her sister, who loved me. whenever i would come over her little brother, bennet, would propse to me!

6:00 in the morning we woke up to get dressed. their house is ginormous and has like three bathrooms so i took a shower, got dressed in this camo mini-skirt, black beater, and white zip-up track jacket and my high-tops.

Trina had on a pair of black tights that went to her ankle, a denim mini, and a balck shirt that said 'night owl' with these big eyes over her chest i helped her pull her thick weave into a high pony-tail we walked to school and when we got there, Zach suggested that we go to the dowstairs storage room to "look for brooms" after lunch, I have done things with him before and thought he respected me but, well, i can be wrong right? 

As soon as i got there he started to make out with me and then his hand started for my skirt and i let him undo it, he started in on me, and then my judgment kicked in,

"dude stop..."

"i'll find someone else...... you know how many girls like me." he said with a taunt in his voice... i still didnt know if it was right...

he was right though wasn't he? if he didn't do me then he'd find someone els, i'd rather have him ruin me than anyone else to be honest... I just lay there on the floor next to bottles of ammonia, wondering if life was always like this, doing things you don't want, just to get ahead, But to think about it,  my mother was living proof that it was true, she was a bar waitress who gets hit on every night and holds the front of church-freak.

 He started up my shirt and i gave him a funny look,

"I'll find someone else.." he taunted, with a smile.

don't get me wrong sex is a wonderful thing, i love the way it connects me to my ownself, but jesse and i weren't that far.. i know that i should've stopped but i didn't.

i went to history, and wow, that woman didnt waste time getting to know us, she jumped right in and knew us all and started teaching government... she was a wonderful woman though, i loved the way she didn't treat us with kid-gloves, but she was cool.

as school was ending i noticed everyone was looking at me differently 

when i got to home i fell asleep in the door, i know it's pathetic, my first day back and i'm tired enough to fall asleep at 3:30.. My mother had come in and asked me if i wanted to make dinner and i said i was sleeping and she just said that if i was too lazy to feed my brother, then i was going to fail in life. i slept all day until 5:45 am...

me and Trina were talking in homeroom wednesday and were discussing clothes, and she asked to go shopping but, me, my mom, and my brother had "family night" woohoo......

later that night,

"DALY roll the dice damnit....." my mom spat in my face.

 i had been daydreaming about some show i saw on MTV.

she was like this all the time. i remember when I was younger my mom used to force me to go into pageants and once i got second place, most moms would be proud but not mine, second place when you were in Little Miss Mall Contest meant getting smacked on the way home and getting your lip split open an inch down to your chin, that was my fault too, apparently. 

I remember the ER that night and she had said i was allergic to painkillers (which i wasn't). When she watched them stitch me up while i was conscious and nothing could dull the pain that was stabbing me, my mom looked on with an undeniable smirk, like she was saying that i deserved it. The doctor must have seen and he told her that for certain reasons that she needed to go out in the waiting room. he told me to tell him how my lip was split and i didn't, i just started to cry and saying that i wouldn't tell him no matter what, and he reported her. when i came home from kindergarten the next day a policeman was interrogating mom and the look she gave me said that i was in trouble that night.

Boy was i right, she had grabbed ne by the hair and shoved me into the door frame and given me gash from my forehead to the tip of my nose, then she told me that if i ever hurt myself bad she would just watch me bleed. when i went to school i just said that i fell down my stairs and they all saw through that in a new york minute.

i rolled the dice weakly and got a four, we were just playing chutes and ladders and i was losing but that was better than winning. last time i won, which was alnost 1 year ago, she had smacked me on the face and said that i didnt deserve it but now i just look at her and smile and she knows she cant do anything because i'm almost a foot taller and 30 pounds heavier, she knows that if i was really pissed off i could take her. the last time she layed a hand on me was 5 months ago when i had a C + instead of a B, she had waited till we got home and she was hitting me saying i wouldn't get into college this way and i turned around so she was hiting and kicking my stomach and face and i back-handed her across the face and said that if she ever lay a hand on me or my brother again i would either take him and find a shelter, or kill her, find him a home, and gladly plead guilty.

she had suddenly changed and i knew she was different. I knew she was a very socially "UP" person and that if this was found out her little christian lifestyle would be gone, wiht all her little church friends who already thought i was a goth-slut, and her perfect life groupies who hang on her every word. they would then be mine i would twist it from her and she would be a social lepper.

the game was over, and i had lost. i went upstairs to my boring pepto bismol room which my mom refused to paint green and blue because she said that they were lesbian colors and she wasn't going to have it, even thoguh i colors cant be gay.... I put on my boy short underwear and my cheerleader belly shirt, i reflected on dinner and the game tonite adn noticed that my mom was not as talkative as she usually was and then i heard angry footsteps coming up the stairs and she got to my door and stood in the frame intensely, but with a forced smile, baring her horsy teeth.

"anything happen yesterday?" she asked with fake sweetness.

"no, i had an english test," i said nonchalantly

"LIAR!!!!!!" she screamed.

"your social teacher said she heard boys saying that you had sex with there frind!!!! Was it jesse???!!!! i knew that boy would be the death of my family! i thought maybe you'd tell me about something like this, but youve ruined me!!!!!!!" she screamed loudly enough i saw lights turn on next door. i grabbed my pillow and used it as something to space us out. 

 she had tried to grab it and was calling me names like slut and whore, i kicked her off of me and shoved her out of my room and locked the door with the deadlock i put on myself.

i went over to my closet and reached in the back, flipped on the lava lamp, and shut the door. i knocked on the wall and my brother had pulled open a trapdoor he had put in strategically behind his soccer hamper (EW)

"what was that all about?' he asked

'yah, you didnt hear..... "

'but is it true?' he asked in this calm and cool voice that was very un-becoming of him, every time he used it made me think of a super-villain on a cartoon, the kind that were to smart to be in childrens cartoons, the kind the made me cry once cuz my dad said that they were after him; even then i tought they were too smart..

'I think it's time to go,' i replied

'i know you and mom hate eachother but, do we have to leave? .' he just said as if it were expected.

'I' ll go by myself or you can get ready and we'll leave when mom's asleep.' i said

i grabbed my keys to my car and put them in my pocket, mom had said i wasn't supposed to drive till i was 18 even thought i'm 17, and passed driver's ed., i had grabbed my dad's old army bag, that was the only thing mom would let me keep of his, and shoved all my clothes in there unceremoniously. I grabbed my pre-paid cellphone, mom knew nothing about, my ipod, laptop, stuff like shampoo and a battery charger for all electronics. I knocked on andy's door and asked him if he was ready, it was already midnight and he said he was done. i checked the hallway to see if any lights were on and i saw only the nothingness of night. we had our bags wiht us and were tip-toeing dow the plush stairs that muffled all sound. we made it to the door adn i headed out and grabbed the spare key off the lamp.

i was walking to the shed that had my car that i could never use and unlocked it with my car key and went in and found that mom moved all of dad's old stuff in to it. i was looking throught the box in front of the driver's door and found a picture of him, he was an older male version of me. i stuck it in the control panel of my black old style volkswagen beatle. i grabbed all of the boxes within five feet of me and almost all of his art/college writing pieces and placed them in the trunk. andy shoved his suitcase in the backset

we have been preparing for this since i was ten. with over 3,000$ in life savings, and all my pageant money mom didnt take. 

i had found  a mechanic's book about a year ago to trick out your car and i changed both the front and back seat wiht futons and we could just pull out a trigger and they slide down into beds i did that when i was 15. i've had this car since my dad had died, he left everything to me and andrew, mom had almost succeded in getting it all, but the lawyer found the will.

my dad was awesome, he was a rockstar, superhero, fireman, daddy, therapist, life maker- betterer, artist, and when you were around him it was impossible to not feel better.When he was in college he was in performing arts, creative writing, and fine arts. that would explain my natural grace, drawing skills, and creative mind. when he was around, wich was for 5 short years of my life, my mom was perfect! it was after he died that she snapped, it was like she blamed us. 

what happened was that before we had come to california we lived in georgia and and a fire in our apartment building, me and andy were sleeping in our babysitter's place and that was 2 floors above my parents, they were having their anniversary, and my mom was evacuated and my dad went looking for us into the fire becuse the baby-sitter forgot us, she was like 68 though, so dont have a fit. but when he got up ther he had flagged a ladder there and we were going down with firemen and i was waiting for my daddy by the ladder but ne never came down. i never noticed that my mom was sobbing when she was talking to the fire chief.   later that day after we were examined by paramedics and interrogated by firemen, my mom came over to us and i tried to hug her and she just pushed me away and she told me that daddy was going to be gone and wasnt coming home for a long time 3 weeks later she finally told us that he had passed and was in heaven.

 after that day she had hardened and nothing was the same and never would be, and i think she knew it too. i looked exactly like my dad, long blond hair, tan skin, narrow face with a slender long nose, a thin, sinewy figure, dishpan eyes the same color as the sky in an angry storm. i acted just like him, very nonchalant and had a joke for everything. he could have broken a piece of china owned by the queen and he would say 2 words and have everyone in stitches, the plate would be forgotten. she always resented me for it too, it was like i was some painful reminder and that i shoudnt've been there, like i was always trying to tell her something she didn't want to hear.

a tear rolled down my cheek as i got in the car and i backed out. i told andrew to lock the shed back up. we rolled down town to trina's, i threw pebbles at her window till she came round.

"benny?" she questioned into the air.

"benny, who's benny?? it's me, daly, you pothead." i said playfully.

"oh, why are you here? where'd you get that car? you didnt steal it did you? well shimmy up the drainpipe and have andrew grab the bags, and park down the street.......wait... scratch and revers that whole thing....  wow it's early..." she said with a yawn. i laughed, trina was not a morning person. i parked down a ways behind 2 lilac bushes and a dumpstre, i didnt know which smelled worse.

 we put andrew in the spare bedroom with a balcony and a lattice flower thing that was completely full of ever depressing dead rotting plants. so he could leave in 2 min. flat. trina's parents never even really come up to the third floor unless someoen was here, because they have an intercom system. i was out in trina's day room that she never used and i never knew about. her parents even forgot it and just assume the door is her closet of which she has none because she is afraid of hangers.

the room was big but not huge. it was a wierd room, it was not like the rest of the house , which was happy and carefree. this room was desolate and had vaulted ceilings, the walls were just bare wood, the ceiling was wierd, it looked like a spiral bookshelf continued up into the steeple point. and the bed was a circle hammock, that almost coverd the entire room, hanging from the center of the ceiling. i looked at trina and she explained that it was from when she was in a medevil phase in senventh grade and she just left it that way. she gave me the key and i added it to my ever growing keychain.

i was up in the hammock and i was thinking about jesse and i fell asleep. i woke up to andrew's face over mine only 3 hours later saying that we needed to get ready if we wanted to go before her parents woke up. i thought about how we're going to get out of the house. i decide to taake a shower now while they were in REM and i took a shower in the only bathromm farthest away from their room. i wore a pair of purple nylons and realised i never took off my hi-tops.i had put on black leather wedge peep-toes and a pair of black booty shorts, a white beater and a puple tie up blouse. i headed down the lattice using the drainpipe as a guide i got to my car. i turned it on and the digital clock read 6:00 A i had know idea what i was going to do for almost 2 hours and i just went to a McDonalds and had a breakfast burrito and was playnig with a couple of kids who were in the playplace. their names were adelle and nikolas, they were brother and sister, i thought i could have spent all day there wiht them. their mom came to get them and said she was watching me for a while and said she noticed that i had a mothers instinct and was great with them. she explained that her family has been on a car-trip and they have been in a boring RV for almost 7 hours and that i was the first to make them smile.

i left feeling like she told me a huge secret, why couldnt my mom talk like that?

i got into homeroom and zach was there, i went to go sit by him and he wrapped his arm around me and i felt so safe, but he only sees me now to have sex, damn all men who see women as booty-calls.

 i went through the whole day with nothing and went to my last of my extra curriculars and collected the extra tuition since you pay for the whole year.

i picked andy up since he had football and we headed over to trina's and on the way i saw zach and i told andy to go without me and i got out as he drove to trina's. zach was on the bench and i sat by him and asked him what was wrong and he said he missed his mom, she had run out a year ago and now he lives with his dad who is the best but he just cant be his mom.i went over to his house and it was really nice. he took me to his bedroom. then he grabbed a condom and told me to hold it and then i raised my right brow and said,

' zach, banana flavored?'

' what about strawberry?' he asked

'that's better.'

he held me close and the he untied my blouse and took off my tank top he touched me like he had known me for my whole life and then he undid my shorts and i took off my nylons and was naked and he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the bed and stared at a smoke detector and said to me smile. i didn't know waht was going on... the whole time we were having sex he made me face the corner of the room with the smoke detecter, oh well, guys are wierd.

I returned to trina's about and hour later and i said that i had trouble with ballet refunding me and she said fine. then i told andy that this was our last day of school and we needed to get out of here and find a place to live, he had no problem with it and he almost looked anxious.

i had decided to wait over nite at trina's and then just as i was going to sleep in thae day room i heard a commotion downstairs and even though i do live in claifornia what startled me was that it was my mom's voice.

i heard her yelling for me, asking where i was and what happened to her baby boy, she sounded more mad and irritated than cocncerned. trina's mom and dad came into the foyer and had my mom sit and have some tea while the cops talked to trina's parents.

i could hear them!! i heard carmen ,trina's mom, oh-so-calm voice and she sounded as if she knew something she shouldn'tve. they were talking about my mom and her abuse!!!! how that when my mom would drop me off to swim and i had bruises all over my back, and that once when i had broken my nose me and my mom refused to say anything. she also said that my mom was a very emotional and "colorful" person.

i heard hakeem's deep, stern voice say that when i was yougner he was like a father to me, which was true, and he couldn't stand how my mom talked to me when we wre at places like a grocery store, calling me names all the time.

then i heard my mom running in the living room screaming that hakeem and carmen have me and that she didnt know why i would run away. she started to run all through thet house opening doors and breaking the china plates from africa that hakeem had brought to his american love. she got to the guest room and i was waitng to hear a full-on freakout and then it occurred to me, GET OUT!

i heade to the window and had my bag in hand and i heard my mom coming to soh's room and i scanned the room for any items and decided there was nothing threw the bag out the window and jumped onto the roof and i hid until she was gone from trina's and i saw andy about 15-20 feet away facing me on the roof making a motion to keep quiet .

When the police and my mom got out of trina's i ran in through the window wrote a long note to soh, went out into her bedroom and i put it on her nightstand and was ambushed by her whole family.

they had told the police what was going on with my mom and me.

carmen had said that they knew for so long about the abuse that it pained tham to see me get hurt.I started to cry and was saying that it was my fault and that she would have been a normal person except for georgia.

'no, honey it is not your falut. and you probably are right she would be normal if j.j. were alive,' hakeem said in his articulate voice.

'you can stay for a while and decid then if you want to go back to your mom.' carmen said in a voice that had known the eternal answer.

'we do know of a place that you can stay,' hakeem continued. 

'ever since trina was born we have never gone back, but in greenwich village, new york we have an old arts loft. it has 3 bedrooms and one bathromm and a bunch of my old art stuff is still there. it's were i used to live before hakkem and i decided to keep it and we have the lease payed out until next school yer's february which is long ebough for you to get a job and some money.' carmen said brightly, like she had known it would come in handy

'we are going to call now and change the name to ..... to what? you cant keep your names!! you are underage and if you do they hold searches for you..... what are we going to do?' hakeem inquired.

' i was planning on changing our names in the beginning,' i stated as andrew walked in, ' i was going to be Elwyn Demeter Grimm. i hadnt asked andrew yet though.'

' i love it, it suits you, elwyn means fairy, demeter means erath, and grimm are the 2 best fairy tale writers in the world!!! you do look like a fairy though, it's kind of creepy because you look like wings could jump out of your back.' soh said.

well?' i asked andy

' i want to be....... Rivers Pierce Grimm, i have always liked the name.' he supplied in that cool, non-effected voice he seemed to be using more often. it was like he had no fellings or pretende to have none, it gave me the faint thought that he always knew something he shouldn't have.

i talked to hakeem, lucky for me he was a lawyer and had the judge in his pocket he could pullout some forms and get a name change and i figuredit would be nice if he could change our birth certificates so that i could hide us that much further. i decided we would be fraternal twins, we do look enough alike that all we would have to do is bleach his hair and voila!

but that would be a little harder but it was worht it. after 2 months and a lot of free time and new rules did i finally get my new birth certificate and social security number.

we left 2 weeks after that.

me and andrew had gone through a major cosmetic overhaul, he dyed his hair blond and i was a red-head. we got colored contacts so now i was green-eyed and he was grey. i had my hair cut into below-teh-shoulder length do with retro straight bangs across my eyes and layers starteing at my chin. he chopped his off to resemble an arny cut but with it a little longer at the top.

we left for greenwich that afternoon, he was asleep the whole way in the backseat. his ability to slepp when things were going on was getting better. and i drove all the way to colorado, and on the way i kept think: what if we didnt leave? am i pregnat? oh my god what if i am? i need a test now! i pulled into a gas station and let andrew, i maen river slepp i took the test, and another and another just to make sure that i wasn't pregnant. i waited an hour and i was so happy i cried, i wasnt, i just sat there staring at the three tests on the bathroom floor that all had one line in the readout.

i woke river up in iowa to eat, we looked into the mirror across the bar in a little diner, a waitress asked us if we needed a place to stay because there was a motel furhter in town.

we boht nodded and left a tip for her.

when we got ther they needed our id's and we actually were relieved but then i noticed that my id hadnt benn changed with me!!!

i explained that i hadnt had time to renew it and the man at the desk just nodded sleepily, i was so happy we made it this far. i mean we were in iowa!!!

I had suvived for so long on red bull and cheap ephedrine imitation tablets. we had decided that we were going to crash and sleep for 12 hours for once.

14 hours later we found a large town and i just said that i had turned 18 and i needed to get me and my twin brother's license change. the attendant couldnt figure out why we were 10 days and a year apart but i just said that my brothers handwritign was illegible and that we had recently had our names changed.

the lady was new and had said they will be out in 2 months, and asked where to mail them. i replied wiht the new apartment, she gave us pseudo-licenses. We were now official twins and now who we said we were!!! 3 days later we were in new york 

Part Two: New York

when we found the loft and when we got ther it was all they said and more!!!! we had move our stuff into the main floor bedrooms and i pulled all my notebooks and books and food and stuff and threw it into the kitchen. it had started to rain and running down 3 floors and outside across the street and back again became tiring but we finally got everything moved around, and th firdge full i decided to explore while Rivers went to sleep i went up to the loft and looked around i found all these paints, canvases, pencils, papers and pictures that were so stunningly realistic it looked as if they could jump out and ask me what time it was. i had tried to draw a girl on a sheet and it wasn't to bad it was just a girl who looked like she was a princess i had decided to dig out a canvas and i tried to paint it and it didnt suck. i hung it in th main living room along wiht all of the other paintings i found.

 the digital clock on my cell read 5:30.

i had decided to skate around the block, i dug out my board. It was beatiful at this time of nite. few people are out and i gave a homeless guy a subway certificate from a gas station. i turned into and old park that looked kind of lonely and sat on a swing and just looked up at the sky that had no stars. i realized that i had been out of school for almost 2 and a half months and figured out i needed a school. and a job so the when to lease ran out i could pay.

i walked to my new home and walked past a little girl crying on the pavement and she looked homless and she was so beautiful. she had bright blue eyes like mine used to be and a hispanic look wiht dark shiny hair and light brown skin. i asked her why she was crying, ahe looked ot be about 5 or 6 she said her mommy had told her to leave because she was the reason her life was messed up, and that her daddy would not have run out if she wasn't born and she had wandered out her 4 days ago. i picked her up and put her on my hip and asked what her name was and she replied Naomi.

when i got home Rivers was up and his eyes bulged out of his head btu nothing was said and i said that she was just like us. i fed her a sandwich and she and i slept in my bed. the next day we went shopping for some clothing for us and we had gotten her 5 outfits and a pair of canvas sneakers and stuff, we had gone to a McDonalds.

"elwyn, we cant keep her.' rivers had said simply.

'yes we can, she was just like us!! her mom hurt her and kicked her out, rivers look at her, she's only 4!' i replied

'do you like me and rivers hunny?' i asked her.

she nodded excitedly wiht her pigtails bobbing up and down.

' i'm going to go talk to her mom ' i said more to myself than my brother.

'naomi? i need you to do me a favor o.k? to morrow i want you to take me to your mommy ok?' i asked her

'ok mommy.' and after that i didnt say anything fo the rest of the day. when we had gotten home i had grabbed all the extra blankets, pillows ans sleepingbags we had and made her a bed on the floor by my bed and tucked her in at eight. she was asleep before i could finish singing the theme song to arthur, my dad used to sing that to me every night.

when we woke up i had gotten dressed in a pair of long blue jeans, sandals and a long sleeve green american eagle shirt i grabbed my shoulder bag and gave rivers my keys, he was going school hunting. i then went back to where i found naomi. i had kneeled and straightened out her pink tee and white overalls she picked out herself, and asked her to show me where she lived.

 she led me down a sidewalk and we had gotten 2 blocks down when she had turned and took me down an alley that i couldn't imagne this beautiful child ever living in, she took me deeper into the alley, that was just a pair of brick walls and a dirt floor she told me that it was the second door, i knocked and she hid behind my knees and i stood tall and had an air of confidence.

the door opened and i stepped in picked up naomi and stood next to the open door and looked at the woman. she had long hair just like naomi's and darker skin, she was short and dirty.

"you want her?' i said with a crack almost inaudible 

'what were you thinking????? she's only 4!' i continued

'she drove away my boyfriend and she ruined my life!!' she started sobbing

'do you have her social security number??' i asked calmly.

'yes, give me a moment.' she replied like a child getting yelled at.

'she didnt drive anyone away, so you know, you dont know how it fells to be hated for beng here.' i said quietly.

she had no reply for that

' she's 4, she doesn't understand what's going on.' i said simply.

' i have no money, she was ruining my life. you dont understand.' she relpied with a tear in her eye.

' you're right i dont know how you feel, i will take her, and i wont tell the polince wht you did. i know it will be hard but i'll take better care of her than anyone in this wolrd, and you aren't bad, she isnt either' i said coldly as she stood ther.

she looked at me as if i were her saviour and her doom all at the same time.

i walked back with naomi who didn't look as if she grasped the concept, i knelt down and looked into her deep blue eyes and asked,

'do you know what is going on?' i asked

she looked at me and nodded.

'you won't see her for a vey long time, is that all right i'm your mommy now o.k.?' i asked as slowly and cautiously as i could.

she lookked at me as if she understood and slowly shook her head yes as a smile spread across her face.

i placed her on my hip and noticed how light she was. i got home and fed her my special, a fried tortilla in sugar and cinnamon. rivers got home 3 hours latre with 3 brochures. one was about 3 blocks away and it was a conjoined K-12 school, plain as plain could be. the other was 4 blocks away and was 2 separate schools each across the street from the other, but had a low teacher to student ratio. and the other he said i would love, it was a uniform school a block away, conjoined and had excellent teachers with a raved about arts section, it also had a create your own curriculum. i told him to call the third and set up an appointment. he flashed me his big grin and said he already did and it was in an hour and to dress your best. 

 i picked out my yellow vintage 50's dress and put on my kitten heels and threw on my dads black bomber jacket, one of those things in the boxes. i pulled my hair into a messy bun. i picked out rivers' outfit too, it was a tee that said rocker on it and a sports coat wiht a pair of jeans and hi-tops. i put naomi in a whit thermal tee and a zip-up hoodie, with a black skirt and her sneakers.

we walked and when we got ther they escorted us in and i saw a group of little snarky girls who started gigling at the sight of me, i think it was the jacket. i went in and talked to the head-master and asked if tuition was needed, he said no but an application was needed and a placemant test needed to be taken to see if we were still in time with our years and i asked if we could enroll our "sister", he asked if she was ever in school and she said she never. he told us that we would pick our classes as soon as the tests came back which would be in 3 hours and he got a senior to take us on a tour.

the boy who was taking us on our tour was named Ethen and he  the picture of a model kid.

'your sister is so cute' he said looking at me

thanks...' i replied

'you know, usually parents are the ones on this tour.' he smiled 

i looked at him as if saying you shouldnt go there, if you do i'll french-braid your nose-hairs.......

'below us, to the left we have our football stadium, i take it that rivers plays?' he asked.

'hmm? oh, yah.' he replied while looking at a throng of junior girls outside a display case boasting trophies of every shape and colour.

the school was beautiful. it was one campus with 5 different buildings, all connected with a links system. it was founded in the beginnings of america as a monastery. and then was updated along with new york by the historical society, and was bought out in the 90's by a huge chain of schools for inter-city children. the achitecture of the building was reminiscent of a roman style. the buildings were easily 2 stories high each, with an outside hall on each level. the hall ways and anything exposed to the outdoors had a pale yellow stucco on it, and arches. in the center courtyard in the middle of the buildings is a fountain that was gorgeous. the fountain had a little girl on it and a little boy about 4-5 years old, being held by a couple of middle school kids. a group of high school kids were in the background seeming to congratulate the kids before them. water shot up in arcs over thm falling onto the books that all of the studnets were carrying in at least one hand, forcing it to bounce onto another book, and another, and another.

'that was done by a local artist about 20 years ago, her name was.... it was car- something carlita? carla? Carmen!!! carmen that's it!! i still dont remeber her last name though.....' he said

camen? i know a carmen, i'm living at her place about a block away. she's an artist, they are probably one and the same.' i saod wiht an air of mystery.

'you know her??? you are lucky, she's a god in this school. the teachers are so gunu luv you.' he replied wiht mock defeat. i smiled and asked him where the uniforms were, he replied that they were in the school store,

'this school is the most like a college than most are, it offers much more freedom. it has a program for students living on thier own, which you look like you do, no offense.' he said with a wink.

'yah we live on our own, what kind of program?' i asked wiht annoyance

'well if everyone on your family maintains a GPA of 3.00 or more you get your uniforms free, and you get lunch and AP classes freeoh and sports are free too.' he said simply.

' i think i'll find the store and i'll take you guys to the headmaster again.' he continued

'thanks, i would like to just take a walk wiht Naomi for a while though, take rivers, he's the money mind in the family.' i said wiht a wink

naomi and I walked around the courtyard again hand in hand. she looked up at me and said,

'mommy, do you love me? my last mommy didn't,' this struck a chord inside me so strong that i felt ter pricking behnid my eyes. i grabbed her and held her in the air and gave her a hug.

'yes, more than anything else, but you should call me Ellie instead of mommy ok?'i asked as sweet as i could. she noddded excitedly.

we were walking around when all of a sudden 5 guys went in to the hockey arena and i decided to watch the hockey practice.

i went in and just sat wiht naomi on my lap and explained to her what all the moves were and how they were skating on the little tiny pieces of metal. afterwards we watched the zambodi drive aroundd and she was in awe.

'hey, i've never seen a girl actually watch hockey before.or a zambodi with such intensity' said a guy who suddenly appeared behind me. he was winking at naomi, she stuck her tongue out at him.

'huh? oh yah i've loved to watch it, but me on hockey skates? no way in hell..' i laughed

he laughed, 'did you ever do figure skating?' he asked

' yah for one year..... i majorly sucked' i said.

'well it looks like maybe you should stick to benig a spectator' he lauhged

' i play broomball, laCrosse, and floor hockey though. i kicked all the guy's butts at my old school.' i said defensivley

'well maybe not all hope is lost, by the way my name is ryan, ryan colby.' he said it like a politican.

'yes, well i am elwyn, ellie for short, grimm.' i replied.

'well miss ellie it would be my honor to walk with you and give you a grand tour of everything that the little prat ethen missed,' he said in a mock british accent.

'well, yah, ok, ethen was like the biggest nerd i ever met, but i think he needed friends...' i said following him out of the arena wiht naomi.

' and in front of you is the wierdest fountain in the world, although it is deep enough to throw someone in it without them ever getting hurt, part of the original design i suspect....' he trailed off.

'well well well, it looks like you've met our newest student.' boomed the headmaster. this man was not one to get angry with. he was tall almost 6'5" and was heavy but not fat, he was bald and had no hair on his face except for a pair of very dark brown brows. he looked like someone who could be a very fatherly person, but when he gets mad watch out. he was weiring a grey suit, black italian leather boots. he had 3 tattos, 2 on his knucklez and 1 on his wris all of which were jsut bold lines.

'yes, sir she was watching our hockey practice, i was about to show her the lunching arrangements.' he said in a tone that was not the same. the smile that crinkled in the corners of his mouth was gone, and was replaced by a straight face.

'ellie, we have to go sort out the uniform business, and such.' said rivers broke the silence wiht that cool voice.

as we walked away ryan looked pale, and kind of annoyed. he watched me walk away, and i know he saw me look back at him.

'that is ryan, he is one of the more popular seniors. he also is a trouble-maker and has been suspended more than once' the principal said grimly.

'for what?' i asked in this deep, mesmerizing voice; it always worked on men yougn, old, gay or straight.

'surfing porn' he said in a voice that questioned why he was telling me this, but that he knew what he was doing, typical response.

'anyways, miss ellie you and your brother are juniors" he said bending down and scooping hnaomi up, making her giggle uncontrollably. he really was nice, but if he didnt like you you were so S.O.L. i liked him. but i was still terified of him.i'm a junior, cool, i used to be a junior, so did rivers, because he skipped a grade.

the uniforms were just plain black slacks or a skirt, wiht a white button-up blouse, with a tie that was color-coordinating to what school system you were in (black for the H.S. and red for M.S. and none for the elem.) naomi's outfit was just a black smock wiht white tights and a white tee and black mary-janes. accessories were free and up to you, just nothing that could possibly hurt other emotionally or otherwise and nothing that involved defacing that original uniforms.

At the school store i grabbed 4 of each persons uniform, notebooks, and pencils.We made our own class schedule that for me was phy. ed., math, classic literature and theory, music, performing arts, and choir. our school days started at nine, and were over at 4:30. and for rivers he had team sports, math, english, Hockey (for 2 periods), and he had a study hall. Naomi had a normal kindergarten scchedule.

'You start next monday.' said principal Serona.

'bye, have a nice day' me and rivers said in unison 

'im terrified out of my mind of that man,' i whispered to rivers

he didnt reply, he acted as if he didnt hear me and then i saw why, senior girls. his mouth was hanging agape and i just laughed and said loudly,

'oh rivers, what do they have that i dont? and close your mouth, your starting to drool hunny!!!' in a valley-cheerleadery-sarcastic voice that i have actually practiced. so i could sound like someone other than my self, it always worked on telemarketers.

for te rest of that week all i did was hang up all the paintings thati found. i was so enraptured in one of them that i stared for an entire afternoon at the picture. when sunday rolled around i went to our mailbox and an official-looking  letter was behind our usual grocery store brochure.

it was a letter from the desk of hakeem, iut asked us how we were doing and to find a job. it had a list of places and references from him and carmen, one job being an assistant at a photgraphy studio. the studio wsa 2 blocks away, but carmen warned me that he was hard to work with.

i put on my black tank, white button up, tie, and black pants with my black hi-tops, i threw on my emily the strange ski-cap and grabbed naomi and my long board. naomi sat on the front as i skated down the sidewalk as a bunch of skater guys stopped and stared at me and my board. when i reached the building i buzzed him and he said come up if i was looking for a job.

"hello?" i called i took a step into the dark, and tripped loudly on an umbrella stand, "damn it!!! who put an umbrella stand in front of the door" i heard my board skate along the floor and held naomi's hand as i chased the sound of the wheels.

"what in the sam hell is going on here?' a man said as he came out of a room and then he stared at me finally catching my board and holding naomi, "are you the girl looking for a job?" he asked with a laugh in his voice when he realized i tripped ovr an umbrella stand and crawled in the dark after my board.

"yes, my name is ellie, i have a resume and references." i said picking my self up off the cement floor

he read the page and said the job paid 16.50 an hour, that naomi would have to be seen and not heard, and i worked on weekends 5 AM to 9 PM and whatever days i could come in after school

when monday rolled around rivers had to wake me up. oh well, old habits die hard right?? i went out with my shirt un-tucked and tie on the underside, black patent leather flats, pink legwarmers and my hair in curly waves. we left early to get everything fixed and our lockers ready.

when i got there i sent rivers off to find his stuff, i took naomi to her room and said to wait by the fountain for me after school. i went to the office to find someone with the same schedule as me, 3 people popped up. some stepford amorosa minus the looks, ryan, and some other boy whom i didn't pay much attention to. i obviously chose ryan. he was called down to the main office. there is one thing i will never get about this school,4 offices!!!! lne for the money, one for schedules, one for teachers, and one for the principals!! I thought that was dumb

'so we meet again miss ellie?' ryan said behind me

'depends, would you mind showing me around the school? it appears we have the same class schedule, well almost, you have hockey for the last 2 periods, and you don have choir' i said very secretary-like.

'hmmmmm... let's see i was planning to loiter by the front door but you know what? showing a beautiful redhead around would be much more fun.. on one condition.' he said holding his finger up, looking intently at me with his deep blue eyes through the strands of hair that fell across them.

'and what would that be?' i asked with a southern belle accent.

' well, to do it in style, daaahh-ling' he said as he held out his arm for me.

'sir, how forward' i said all southern-y, as i slipped my arm through

'so ellie, what locker number are you?' he asked after we left the office

'umm 115b' i said as i looked at the paper sticking out of my Geeksquad™ folder.

'aahhh i'll decode that for you,the "b" anyways... that my friend is the wierd locker, you see our lockers are separated funny A's are one really big locker, and b's are 2 separate trinagular shaped lockers. they are weird, the big one is angled in between the tringales and te top and bottom triangle are both yours... one better thing aboout the triangle ones are better is that you get keys..' he explained with hand motions

'oh great more keys...' i said in a whiny voice

'Whats this? a girl on my brothers arm?' said a raspy voice, remarkably like that of lindsay lohan's.

'And pretty too?' she continued as she circled me and looked me up and down

' ans she's standing right here' i said a little annoyed. this obnoxious girl i was looknig at was exquisite, she had dark hair that was thick, shiny, with a lot of layers, she had eyes greener than mine, and she was tan, tall and her face was so pretty! it had a mouth that was full, big doe-eyes, a nose that was short and narrow, and herface itself was a lean oval

'ooh funny' she said

'who is she? and where did you meet?' she asked, did she really have to do the whole talking-like-your-not-there thing?

'elwyn-gwynn gwynn-elwyn' ryan said as if he were embarassed

i stuck out my hand, 'ellie- for short'

she shook 'call me G'  

'so ellie, shall we?' ryan said. 

'umm yah,' i said

' bye ryan-ell' gwynn said

'bye' we called in unison as we walked away

' so is she your twin?' i asked

'do we look that similar?' he asked looking at me, wiht a funny look.

'no, but i am an awesome observer' he smiled that crinkled smile

' btw i'm 114b.' he winked.

as we were walking we talked about stuff like clubs, and team, and such, he told me there was a chance of having a lacrosse team if more girls signed up. subtlety wasn't his strongsuit.

'and here it is.. the locker fit for a queen ' I hadn't even noticed that we went through the whole courtyard and up a flight of stair in talking to eachother.

i looked around so i could remember where my lockers are, i noticed that i was on the outer hallway, so i could look down into the courtyard through the light orange brick, it was just beautiful, but plain, plainly beautiful. the floor was just poured cement, and the walls were light orange brick, but a lush ivy crawled up over the side threatening to bust right onto the floors of the hallway.

When i was standing right next to the auditorium, i could here people singing "once upon a december", from the movie anastasia. i started to sing with them in my soprano voice and completely forgot about the fact i was at a school and others were there. as i finished i noticed i had my back to the auditorium doors and was practically leaning on it, and that even though it was way before school started people were all, wow and she can do this without actually knowing the song. and one second later a girl came flying ot of the auditorium, and had a look of ferocity in her eyes, and a fake smile on her lips.

'were you singing?' she asked in front of what i would say to be about 12-15 people.

'umm yah, my name's elwyn---ellie for short' as i stuck out my hand,

'i'm nicole' looking at my hand, and curling her lip 'you should join choir.'

'i did.' i said about as quiet as i could be.

'good our sopranos are a little weak' she said. 'i'm the only one you can hear.' as she walked off

applause erupted as soon as she turned down the hallway, i couls feel my ears burning. I felt like i neede to sit down, me and music are big. My dad went to college to be a choir teacher but dropped out 2 months before graduation because of my mom. he listened to everything from classical, to hip-hop, to modern reggae. our apartment always had something playing... he always turned to classic jazz in the end though, i think it was that he just liked how the voice sounded. I mean that the stuff he played was just simple singing; a lot of holiday songs, you know the stuff you sing in junior high choir? he taught me to sing when i was young, he thought that my brither was a lost cause though. him and nathan weren't the closest a son and father could be but if he had a problem, he was first to know.

"you could've told me you could sing like that" Ryan said breaking into my thoughts

"hmm? oh- yeah... my dad taught me before he died.' i said non-chalantly, it had never been hard for me to talk about it, but for my brother and mom, they would change the subject faster than you could apoligize.

"sorry, " he said looking at the floor

"don't be-- he had a good life, and i wouldn't be who i am without him" i said as i loaded my locker up with all my picture of the beach and Trina. In all ny years of having a locker, i've never left any of them un-decorated for more than an hour.

"i'm going to head over to the arena for practice, i'll meet you back to take to first hour-- kay?' he asked reaching behind me to pull me up closer. i looked up at his face and looked at him, i mean really looked at him. every laugh line, of which there were many, every crinkle near his eye, the color of his eyes was unbelievable though! they were unusually large and bluer the anything i've ever seen.

"kay, just don't forget me.' i said as he hugged me and walked off, waving bye over his shoulder

i looked at my self in the mirror and noticed that i could still see my dad in me. the way i smile, my skin tone, absolutely everything was the same to me except for the eyes.... i hate these damned green eyes!! i wanted my eyes back. what kind of world was this, that i had to sacrifice my own identity to hide from someone who was, in theory, supposed to be my protecter? this was backwards, but it may be my teenage thinking.

i decided to explore.... i walked into the auditorium, and noticed right away that it was georgeous and strange and ethereal all at the same time... it was like walking into a painting. the place was huge! the colours were all deep shades of purple,indigo, and steel silver. heavy, plum, velvet drapes hung over the seating boxes up high, the seats were soft, and wide enough for 2 people to sit in, if you were my size that is. the stage looked like a very white pine, but felt like ceramic tile. i lay on the stage and just bathed in the silence. until that horrid, tinny, school bell rang 2 hours later, i ran off the stage and noticed someone sitting on th fourth seat in the second row  

"ah, she is alive.' the body said but he had this voice that seemed far away, like he was talking in an unknown ryhthm.

'umm yes, but, mister creepy blobby-body-voice-in-the-second-row who are you?' i said as i walked up the aisle humming the december song.

'well, i am morgan, and i want to know one thing are you aware of the fact you are over-whelmingly georgeous?' he asked, it was obviuosly a liune but oh well, it worked....

we wlaked out of the auditroium laughing and talking, as i opened the door ryan was waiting by my locker.

'hey el, who's he?' he asked wiht a stern face

'don't worry i'm returning her safley dad" he said saluting ryan, in the light i could see him. he had red-brown hair, skater clothes on accenting his uniform, 2 chipped teeth, no tan whatsoever, and i saw the same grey eyes i used to have.. they were exactly the same!!! like he stole them from my  former face... 

he bowed, shook my hand and left walking wih a swagger.

as i clenched my hand i felt something in it. it was a piece of paper, but i dare not take my hand apart, for ryan to see.

" well lets go.' he siad, brightening as morgan left.

 'oh, ok, we have gym right?' i asked, feeling my ears burn.

'yes, and no you didn't have to bring your own change of clothing, they have a uniformed phy.ed. too, i know, dumb.' he said lead me down stairs, outside, and to the gym.

'te girls locker room is right over there, someone in there should be willing to help you, it is new york after all, and if not, well it is New York after all. ' he said jokingly

as soon as i got in the door i took out the piece of paper and read it, "as soon as your tired of him give me a call, 867-5309, i'll be waiting, morgan" i thought o.k, whatever, these guys are coming out of nowhere, to talk to me..

as i went in the smell of hair spray, deodorant, and shampoo hit me like a seismic wave. i put on my saddest face and stood in the doorway, waiting for someone to come and have pity on me. it worked, a girl about 2 inches taller than me came over and said in a beautiful voice that was like stepping in the first snow of the year.

'hi, you look lost, i'm spencer,' she said.

i stood looking at this girl who was hot, i mean, hot! she had brown hair wiht auburn highlights, wide-set, tawny eyes, tan skin, and was standing wiht a pair of short-shorts on, and a shirt held up to her bare chest.

'the uniforms are right here, pick your size and the color you want, red,black, or white, you can mix-match all you want too.'  she said walking to a cubby-shelf system. i grabbed a black beater and red shorts, i followed her to an office where a woman was sitting.

'ms. lohman, this is-- a new student, she needs a lock.' she said to this woman, whose back was turned to us.

'yes, here i have it signed in already' as she deftly thre a lock over her shoulder, and spencer caught it with out trying.

'you cna have the locker next to me' she said, as she grabbed her bra and put it on, and put on her beater.

as i looked at her and her open locker, this didnt appear to be her normal behavior. she had cigarettes hanging out of the front of her mini-skirts' pocket, black streak gel, and a corset vest in her locker.

'you do know that smoking is like suicide in slow-mo, right?' i said as i cahnged in to my shorts

'hey i've done my girl scout deed for the day, and now i dont have to listen to you mmkay?' she said as she walked off

'sorry' i called after her, she waved off the comment

'you know she could have said, i know, but i don't care, or whatever, or something, but no-o she had to get all 'i've done my whatever for the day' and stalk off like a crabby-crab,'   i said to myself, a horrible habit i picked up when dad died and mom never talked.

i left the locker room and walked towards the throng of girls standing by the bleachers, but then i thought about it, and wiht my knowledge of the girls in this school i walked over to the guys, but an arem pulled me away, "you just don't know how to pick'em do you?' said spencer.

'no, sorry' i said looking at the gym floor

' hey kor, this is....' she trailed off,

'oh, hi i'm ellie,' i said looking up at this girl wiht red hair, cut extremely short and gelled, she was tall, pale, and had electric blue eyes.  

"i'm korey, how are you?' she asked

"oh i'm fine, but apparently my people skills are lacking' i said as i turned and noticed the girls were edging away from me.

"the girls may be getting away, but the guys are getting closer hmm?" she said.

i looked and she was right, the guys were forming sub-groups talking and pointing at me

"ok i have never had this much attention.." i said...

'umm hunny? are you serious? you are hot! this hair and skin.. i hate you!!" she joked... and i couldnt help but think 'wow, a grl is calling me hot, and i like it. but im not a lesbian... this is out of the question'

in gym we separated and the guys did floor hockey, and the gils did dance, and i finally got to show what i was good at, i did leaping pirouettes and i was awesome!

in the locker room 2 girls came up to me, one was a japanese-american girl who looked like kimora lee simmons, and the other like tyra banks.

"hey you should join cheerleading," it sounded more like a command coming out of tyra's mouth

"no, that alright, i am not that good." i said

"oh, yah you just dance like that and you suck ok chica, but when you come around talk to me" she said

she started to walk out of the locker room when i called after her

'ok i want to be a cheeleader, but can i help choreograph?' i said

'yah' tyra said

'um whats your name? and when practice?" i asked

"i am Katrina, kat for short; and this is emily" she nodded to the girl who hadnt said anything the whole time, "and practice is after school monday thru thursday from end of shool to four thirty"

"do you mind if my little sister watches? i bring her to work with me after school, now after practice usually" i asked

'i dont care, just dont let her get in the way"

"oh, she won't" i said walking out to find ryan was talking to korey and spencer, waitng for ryan to come out.

' um hi, girls.' i heard ryan come from behind with his hand grabbing my wrist amd leading me away from korey and spencer.

' why were you talking to them?" he asked

"whaddya mean? whats wrong with em?' i asked looking back.

"well they are dating, " he paused, "other girls." he continued

"so?" i said looking at him with my best 'explain this to me in detail' look.

"in this school same-sex couples can get you expelled, they almost did last year because korey's girlfriend and her kissed when she picked her up from school one day. and spencer had tried to go to prom wit another girl last year, and she was suspended and not allowed to go..." he said very queit like gayness was taboo, and you were going to get suspended any second.

i didnt talk to him and just walked off into the distance to head to math, i severley hate math.... and surprisingly i breezed through it... i have never done that... it was a miracle.

i went through the rest of the day as smooth as silk, but choir on the other hand, was very eventful, the evil girl h said thati was a beautiful singer and convinced the teacher to get me to sing in front if the class, hoping i would freeze up... her plan back-fired i love crowds, and i can definitkey do soslos, and so i got the december song in the next concert, the teacher said it was now a quartet and i was the soprano girl.. maybe Nicole does'nt know what she's getting into with me...

i had made it all the way through to practice..

"hey new girl, what's her name? You're late!" tyra-girl said

"yah, sorry i had to get my school e-mail sorted out, because me na-"

"yah whatever i dont care." she cut me off, "we'll start with stretches"

i di the same as they were doing and then i participated in the pyrimid, and was thrown around a few times by the cheerleadrs.

when it was over i ran a mile on the track, all these thoughts kept running through my brain, was i slutty? did me sleeping with a guy make me a whore? is it wrong that i like doing what i did? what if i became a hooker? like the one off pretty woman? that'd be cool.... and what about the theatre geek? hes not really my typr, but do i really have a type? i mean any man that breathes is good to me.why do all the guys practically jump when i talk to them? am i that outlandish?

and at that point i saw a shape loom towards me and i was at the opposite side as the gate, and i kicked up and ran to the gate. he beat me, and i saw that it was morgan,

"scared?" he asked, "you know i would have thought that you being a tough chick and all it wouldnt freak you out."

'um hello when some creepy guy walks out of the sun, all you see is black." i said

i looked at him and noticed he was wearing a football uniform, and he looked great in it.

"oh shit, im late for work!" I yelled as i ran off to the lockerroom door.

"i found out where you live from your brother, he invited me over after practice. kay?" he hollered after me, i waved in reply.

i worked for three hours, and carmen was right he was dificult to work with, he was almost an ass,. he kept his language good thoguh for naomi, i made him.. i  don't think he knows how to talk to me, on one hand i'm an adult, and on the other i'm not, and hey on the other i'm a frickin runaway.. he had me empty a film, with like 6 shots left, and i took a bunch of naomi and me. he taught me how to develop them and such, and i had developed the ones of naomi, and i liked them, but he made me give them to him, i want to keep them, so that when your done, you can compare to your earlier works.. i was like, hmmmm ok?

i ran with naomi piggy-backing me, andi ran up the steps, and ran to my room and changed into my soffe shorts and tank-top.. and walked out to the kitchen and swa morgan,

'oh shit, im not cute anymore...' i said

'umm ellie, you never were.' my brother said all cool, i slugged him, and morgan laughed..

'you look fine, i'mthe only boy out of 9 children, and im the middle child too.' he laughed

i grabbed a permanent marker, walked upstairs where the guys followed me becaue there was a pool table for some unknown reason, and coloured a chinese symbol on my ankle, i was bored, and didn't notice he was sitting next to me until his head was right next to my foot.

'hi?' i said

' hi, you bored?, you look bored.. hey rivers, you mind if i stay over tonite? he finished, as he got up.

'no, wanna soda?' came the reply from the stairs, he was walking back down to the kitchen

'kay!, and yeah, have anything lemon-lime, or coke?' he asked and smiled at me, and he had a funny look, he had a face unafraid of risks. it had a handful of freckles across the bridge of his nose, a wide grin, and i like his whole sense, he seemed like a guy who could be my best freind, or my brother..but that's what was good, he made me feel safe, and im so confused, he's rpobably the only guy since freshman year who hasn;t wanted to get in my pants... but i don't think i like him that way, i'll stick to ryan for now.

later that night i was sleeping and naomi was on  the pseudo- mattress, when i had to go to the bathroom, the digital clock on the range had said 5:30, i would be waking up soon anyways... when i had come out of the bathroom i saw that the light was still on in the loft, and i walked up ther in my pj's and my morning face

the guys were still up there talking, they must not have moved for a while because there was a partial 12 pack and were in the same position as when i left...

' hi red!!!' said morgan way too loudly fo me in the morning

"i hate you, and you" i said just barely audible, while i looked at my brother who was upside down on a couch, covered with a blanket asleep, "oh, he's asleep.. " i walked over to cover him better, and sat on the floor facing morgan.

"so, red, whats up with ryan colby?" he asked

" i dont know, he seems too, eh for me you know?" i said while laying back and putting my cold fingers over my eyes

"no i dont but im beginning to," he said moving to sit on the steps a few feet away from me, "why dont you tell me about where you came from?" he asked in a sincere tone, "your brother told me about your mom and such, so dont worry about that, he told me his life story, and how you got here, but now i want to here yours." he said so nicley i wanted to hug him!

i told him about the pageants and my dad, and everything and how im only 17, and everything that popped into my headm which was a lot. when i finished i heard naomi wake up to my alarm, and walk up the staris, and she sa by morgan, and looked. she knew who he was and liked him too, which was normal, she liked everyone. he stared as ifin deep thought and then stod up and paced around and looked at a bunch of pictures and then stopped to watch me walk dowm the stairs with naomi to get dressed for school.

i got dressed and was plain except for my rainbow high-tops, and white socks that said: Stop AIDS. i left my hair plain and straight, and did my make-up light and shimmery. wheni got to the kitchen i placed naomi on the counter, and looked in the fridge for some juice when i saw the graveyard of cartons on the floor flowing out of the trash next to rivers and morgan.

"why cant god give me the power to stop boys from eating all my food?" i whispered to the ceiling.

"because that power was to great for any one person to bear!" said morgan while holding naomi, who was drinking the last juice.

i continued digging until i found some Red Bull, and a blueberry pop-tart, i have to go grocery-shopping.... i decided, i'll do it tomorrow on saturday after work, to find a wal*mart near here would be a miracle...

i breezed through school, and hit practice and work, but ryan had a new girl on his arm, i felt like the victin of a drive-by relationship.. when i got home i changed into a pair of blue and white plaid shorts, and a cheerleading belly tank,  and went to sleep on the couch upstairs hanging up photos. when i woke up morgan was ther again, and rivers was sitting on the satirs, i just lay ther and let my eyes adjust, and when they did i saw that morgan was drawing a picture. i looked harder, and saw that the drawing was me life-sized, and in colour, it was stunning! i admit i know i'm in my pj's but he makes me look good in them, i didnt dare move  so i spoke without moving my head

"rivers is naomi in bed?" i said with a croak

"yah, she's still sleeping" he said without taking his eyes off of morgan, and closing his jaw

" what time is it?"  i asked

"its midnight" he said monotonatic

"i'm finished" morgan anounced.

i stood up and looked at the drawing which was completely to scale, all of me was there, i want to know what made him draw me? i mean i was just here!! i have no stunning qualites to myself or maybe i do, im to self-critical.

"what possesed you to draw this?" i asked, i looked at him with an awestruck look on my face, i know, i saw it refleected back at me i his eyes, i looked it was coloured to life, and i looked better in this picture than anyhitng else in my life...

"you did!" he said, "you were thaere all peaceful, and i liked the way it looked and so i thought i draw it before you woke up, and by the way you don't snore, for future reference, but i like it, i think i might use it for school, but then you'd need to be there, because your the model, and such, but whatever if you dont want to.. " he sadi

"huh, yah, awesome i look hot in this picture even if i am just sleeping!!!' i said, "i need to hit walmart thought wher is the nearest one?" i asked "rivers watch naomi for me, im taking him grocery-shopping, and ill drop him home before i go to work with the groseries so yah that works.... " i thouht out loud

 got dreesed in a black pleated skirt, with arglye knee-socks and a grey thermal under a charcoal shirt form L.A.,it was a theatre crew shirt.. everything was grey or black except  for my hair.. which was pulled back.

i made a quick list after looking through tho cupboards, grabbed him and went.

"do you usually abduct ppl to go grocery shopping?' he asked wiht a laugh.

"i neede to leave someone wiht anomi, and no offense i dont know you that well, and i wanna talk to you, and then i can just drop you and run to work!!"

we hit walmart at 1AM andwalked for awhile in silence...

"why didnt you tell me you drew?? and i was sleeping, what made you draw me??? ugh, i need bread, and milk, and ill grab some kiwis......, that was wierd, dude, you dont even know!!!!" i said mostly rambling.

"wow, i dont know, you never asked if I drew, you my friend were sleeping so peacfully, bread aisle 3, and milk's right here, why kiwis?? what about the green pepper?" he sadi anwering everything.

"i dont really look like that, do i? i love it and thats the problem, and i have never had anyone draw me before, especially in my p.j's, well i suppose they were a tank and shorts, yeah grap 4 peppers, oh and some ranch powder!" i said,

"you looked great.." he said quietly, quickly averting his eyes to the ugli fruit on a shelf.

'i did? you want anything??" i asked him, while he looked at the brownies, "grab a box, they look good"

we ended up going through the entire wal mart until 4:30 and buying a lot of stuff including fruit snacks, Nesquik, lil'graduates etrees, abnd all this other stuff; we had 2 carts full of food!! we checkedout, and i dropped him off with the food, and stuf, ran up to throw on some make-up, let my hair down and curled it, and left.

the whole time i was at my job, the guy was really demending, and definitely made it know that if not for carmen i wouldn't have this job.. blah, blah, blah! i was getting annoyed, and started to daydream about all the people i have met so far.. and i like lists so i made a list in my mind

Ryan: shallow, but cute

Morgan: most awesom, very open, but i dot want to hurt him, so hes off-limits

korey& spencer: awesome, fun, and def. rule-breakers, i dont feel that close to them, i would talk to them if i had the op. to though.

and this guy, Kristofer Johnson: good when naomi's around, but a jerk to me..

hes making me stand on very tippy stools, and won't tell me which lens is what, and ugh!!! People like this should be illegal.. But hey he pays cash at the end of every day, so i will do whatever he needs within reason.

"umm why am i doing this?" iu sadi standing on a stool the sixe of my hand, and holding a piece of fishing line that has no real purpose

"because what your holding will show up in the shot looking like a spider web, my god, do you know nothing?" he said still shooting

"apparently not." said stilll holding the lines. i stood there until 5:30 PM, nd when i came down, i actually fell, because i fell asleep standing up on the stool. i awoke, on the floor still holding the line in my hand, but i had a hard-core headache, and everyone was standing over me.

"what in the hell happened????" i said jumping up, fixing my skirt and dropping the lines.

"you fell asleep standing up and then fell, are you ok?" this blondish-brunette model girl with a drug-addict man hanging off of her arm asked me, i didnt feel like i cared if anything happened to me, this guy let me stand there for hours, i was mad beyond words.

"im fine, i have a headache, but i'll live" i said through my teeth, noticnig that kristofer was changing the lens of his camerea, he didnt even care! what a jerk.

i ended up leaving not long after that, but i didnt say anyhting for the rest of the time... he was so two faced that employer of mine, i almost wish him ill, but that is a little bit harsh.

i came home around six and made some dinner for myself because river left a note saying he took naomi to morgans to meet his little sister. i was alone for the first time in the new house, and i was wired. the feeling of being alone in this huge house, and then the buzzer rang.

i ran from the kitchen to the wall to do the whole 'who are you thing' and rang them up but i wasnt sure who it was bcause the intercom was so grainy that hides any distinguishing cahracteristics of any voice. i stood at the door waiting for this person and i was looking out the peephole in case it was a freak and i needed to use a knife or something, but it was Trina!!!

I opened the door with such enthusiasm her hair moved in the breeze.

"OH MY GOD, TRINA!!" i just couldnt believe she was here.

"i know, your gone for almost a month and dont even call?" she said back, "mom and dad have enrolled me at the same school as you and decided since i am going to NYU i should go to a school that alwaya guarantees admittance.. so im here to stay!" she said all nonchalantly.

We had gotten her unloaded, and then Rivers, Morgan, and Naomi all came home and hugs ensued along with alot of news from California. This included that Zach, my ex-sex toy had been sent to a juvenile detention hall for enrolling in highg-schools and videotaping sex with them, they broke into his house and in the basement they found a ton of videos of highschool girls acros california, and he was putting them on the internet. She had also said that our mom has been doing drugs and now lives in a halfway house and doesn't even remember usach is now dating a college girl who runs the relationship. Other than tha it has been pretty boring.

we had set her up on the ground floor on a bed and made her some curtain walls because she wouldn't take a bedroom from rivers and me and naomi were both in the other one, ans she was happy to be within arms reach of the kitchen. the next day i just stayeed home that sunday catching up with Trina. We had discussed all of the usual things; boys, makeup, school, teachers, siblings, and then more boys. We ended up falling asleep again before the boys woke up, they took naomi to a playdate with morgan's sister.